The Bachelor: Your Plane Just Scandaled

It's time for the Bachelor again! It started last week, of course, but one week is not enough drama for me to inspire a recap post. I mean, come on...only two hours of the worst, cheesiest pick-up lines ever being recited? Yea right...not nearly enough.

So, this year the bachelor is Jake.



And, I mean, I am the first to admit that he is one of the most attractive people...ever. I loved his face on the bachelorette last season, and it hasn't changed--it's still undeniably gorgeous. And, if we never had to talk...ever...you could slap a wedding dress on me right now--I'm yours, Jake. But talking? Pfft. No way. Jake is an attractive, plane flying, motorcycle riding, rockhardabs having, ridiculously boring human. But, since all of these girls "love him and know he is their soulmate" before even talking to him, that point is apparently moot.

So moving on.

My pick is Ali. I said it last week, and it's still true this week, but I think Ali will win. She's the most down-to-earth, most real, least barbie blonde of the entire group. She's sweet, like she could be your sister.


I also like Corrie and Tenley...but their pictures are unimportant because they won't win. Corrie is pretty, and Tenley is honest...but Tenley is also kind of like dating a 10 year old. Ali will win.

But that doesn't mean we should ignore the other drama filled chicks...

Like Michelle, for instance. Michelle is insane. Literally, certifiably insane. I'm fairly certain Jake is keeping her around only because he's afraid of her...or because the producers are nagging him too. After the show ends, she will be arrested for stalking Jake. You just wait.


Then we have Rozlyn. Or, rather, we don't...because she slept with a crew member and was kicked off the show. I guess she really was ready for love...she just couldn't wait!


Mostly, I'm interested in what happens with Elizabeth. Elizabeth is very forward, annoyingly so, and her jeans are too tight to fit a 4X6 folded piece of paper into. And, she told Jake she doesn't want him to kiss her. And then he gave her a rose.


My main assumption is that she will ditch this request like...next week and kiss him. And then he will be all "well if you can't follow your own rule then why should I trust you" and eventually get rid of her. Or she will keep the rule, and he will be all "well I never got to kiss you and see if we were intimately connected" and get rid of her.

Either way, I expect she'll make a scene. And possibly beat another girl up.

Sleep on it for a week ;)

The Shortest Bachelor Relationship in History

Monday nights are my nights out. I know this sounds stupid, because it's not as if I couldn't go out on other nights--I have nothing really holding me in. But on Mondays we have Girls Night Out with the most random group of girls you'd ever meet (and you would question our friendship within minutes of doing so). But, because I'm so addictive to the Bachelor this season for reasons I have yet to uncover, I decided to stay in and watch the finale tonight. The recap:

Tonight the girls met with Jason's family, and his son--Ty.



Melissa is first, and immediately clicks with Ty. So much that when Ty wakes up from his nap, he immediately asks where Melissa is. And Melissa is great with Jason's parents and brothers, who are skeptical of her only because Jason hadn't met her parents (this whole situation makes me wonder if the producers discriminated against actual orphans when doing their casting...get over it already). But, she quickly wins Jason's dad over and they all think she's the one.

When Molly's turn comes up, Ty dislikes her...basically...until she manages to throw a frisbee properly. But, by the time they make whats possibly the worst attempt at kite flying ever known to man, Ty is giggling. And she does well with Jason's family, and they all say "there's a sparkle in your eye with her!"

We also find out that Jason is apparently the only one in his family capable of tanning.

Second Dates.

Melissa and Jason go on a sightseeing sailtour, which fails miserably and they just end up soaking wet before they decide to jump off the boat into the freezing cold water. Yet, they still have a great time doing it, even though they are both secretly thinking "Geeze, now I have to shave again."

With Molly, we never actually know what Jason had planned. But, she makes her own plan anyway "because it's rainy"...which turns out to be terribly convenient since she had two massage tables and oils set up perfectly at "her place" that would have just gone to waste had it been a beautiful sunny day. We get another one of those steamy moments where we aren't really sure if we should send the kids out of the room or not as Molly straddles Jason's back and rubs oil all over him slowly, and then commands that he turn around so she can straddle his front.

And then we question how Molly really got her job as a department store buyer.

The Return of DeAnna.



DeAnna, the one who left him without a rose to pursue her failed relationship with Jesse, comes to visit. In this visit, she proclaims, "If I had listened to my head and my heart I would have chosen you." And America wonders "...then what is it that you listened to?" And she basically tells him to pick Melissa, and then leaves. End season long drama build up.

The Rose Ceremony.

Molly is first up.

She's very confident, "It will be great when he proposes to me." Jason, however, tells her he has to let her go, and offers zero explanation for the decision, and Molly just keeps saying "You've made the wrong decision."

And then there's Melissa.

Jason calls her up and immediately tells her that he's in love with her and she does this cute little squealy thing and jumps into his arms and it's all very charming. He gets down on one knee and asks her to marry him, and as she is about to bust she says, "Can you just give me one second?" and then turns around and does another little squealy thing (the cone of silence was still not perfected by the release of this episode, apparently). Then as Ty comes and joins them, they all take a very cute little clothed swim in the gorgeous pool associated with Jason's 9283928498520 square foot rental.

The End!!
...or is it?
No, it is not.

The Bachelor: After the Final Rose comes on.

Here, we find out that Jason's words to Molly were actually, "You're awesome, and I lo--loaned your ring to Melissa for a few weeks."

First Jason comes on alone, and explains how he can't stop thinking about Molly and how Melissa and Jason's relationship has not been the same, even though they had spent all the holidays together and gone on a few trips together since the show ended. Which is great, since it's been an entire six weeks.

So they bring out Melissa.

Jason starts this conversation out with how they had talked about the relationship changes, and Melissa avoids eye contact and throws out a record number of "umhmm"s to keep from ripping Jason's head off. And Jason finally gets to the "It's not you, it's me." portion of the speech and Melissa mumbles, "you're such a bastard" so perfectly (and no, I'm not embellishing on that, she actually said that...and it was awesome).

She hand him back the ring and the host "excuses" himself to let them say goodbye...while the cameras still roll and all of America watches, and so does he from backstage. Melissa says, "Don't call me. Don't text me. Just leave me alone." and leaves.

And then we see Jason cry for the...fourth? fifth? time in a span of three hours. (At which point my mother says, "Why does he look like such a dork?")

And then it's time for Molly.
Molly is still a little peeved that Jason didn't pick her, but "still has the feelings from the time I left to today." Which is so very convenient for her, as Jason immediately comes out after that and asks her to go for coffee. She has a lot of questions to ask first, and after she asks nothing, she calmly massages Jason's leg and leaves in his arms.


I smell yet another failure under ABCs file for love. Nice try, though! I was at least mildly entertained. ;]

And if you are in need of a good laugh, I found this video on accident. It's about 7 minutes long, but hilarious:

The Bachelor 'Loves' All, Apparently.

For whatever reason I've been drawn into this season of the Bachelor. Well, when I remember to watch it...anyway. Last night I did, in fact, remember to do such. It was...interesting, to say the least.

There were three girls left for him: Jillian, Molly and Melissa. They all flew to New Zealand (the land of sheep and mountains, apparently).

The first date was with Jillian. His big worry? She's too independent. This seems to be a trend with his worries. God forbid any woman be independent, how in the world would Jason be the relationship ruler? Psst. Jillian says she wants to marry her best friend. Anyone else in the world would take this and say "that's lovely and exactly what I want," but Jason questions whether best friends can have hot, steamy, passionate make out sessions in a hot tub. So, naturally, he tries and they have such a scene. (As America sits at home and thinks, "Is this legal to play on television?") and then, of course, invites her back to his suite for the night.


The next date is Molly. They go bungee jumping. No problem, after all, "It's not that far" (...right). I wonder what would have happened if she chickened out. Or he, as he looked more nervous than she did (maybe he should be more independent). Afterwards he questions her affection for him. Who wouldn't? After the hot tub scene with Jillian, Molly's standoffish affection towards him is quite the change. But in the end, showing affection or not, Jason does not pass up a chance to spend the night with her (nor does Molly, who asks him to before he even suggests it).


And of course there is Melissa. Jason worries that he didn't meet her family. I wonder how much it really matters anyway, as they are not going to live anywhere near her family when they marry anyway. She wonders if it's a big deal. He thinks it is. She wants nothing more than to end this stupid conversation about her family because she's frankly a bit pissed at them for doing this to her. The real question he should be asking, however, is how is she going to do not being near her family? She talks to her brother 5-7 times and week and sees her parent 2-3 times a week. She can't do that in Seattle, that's a serious lifestyle change. But is Jason worried about this? No, of course not. Just worried about her parents, not her, duh. But, again, it doesn't really seem to matter as he takes her to his suite for the night. He explains the gorgeous suite to us as they walk that direction, as if he hadn't just spent the past two nights there with two OTHER women. Way to go, playboy.


And then comes the rose ceremony. I'm 100% sure Jillian is staying. 65/35 on Melissa/Molly. But, for sure, Jillian is staying. He calls Melissa first, and if I had had any ambition to do anything at all last night I would have turned it off and walked away, fully confident he was sending Molly. But, my laziness paid off as I sat there to watch him call Molly forward, and send Jillian home. What? Really? I large series of "no way"s came out of my mouth. Poor Jillian. She wasted that dirty hot tub scene only to get booted. To be honest, if it were me, I'd be pissed. And after this episode I'm almost tempted to side with Melissa's parents on the publicness of this being obnoxious. How would you feel if your husband slept with two other woman right before he proposed to you? Hmm. Not so hot.

Oh, and for those of you waiting like dogs sitting for a treat, DeAnna comes back in two weeks! I'm predicting that her "I made a mistake" statement has nothing to do with not picking Jason. And she only comes to offer advice. It's being played up too much to be anything else.

Melissa is the one, and frankly a bit too good for Jason. You go girl!