Wednesday, November 11, 2009

Blahblahblah

Do you ever have those days when you are just blah?

Today and yesterday have been those days for me. I don't know why, there's no reason, I've just been blah. You know? You know. Right?

And I've been thinking. Thinking is usually where I go wrong--blah moods cause this and are caused by this at the same time, I've come to realize. Brains...they just get you in trouble.

But I've been thinking about honesty. I'm not typically the kind of person to not say what she's thinking, which is both good and bad, but there is a difference between thinking someone's shoes are ugly and thinking that someone is ugly. Not that I would ever tell someone I thought they were ugly, just that honesty has a different meaning and a different set of rules depending on what you are being honest about. ...that was a bad example. Did anyone make any sense of that? I don't think you're ugly, I swear. Hmph.

There are a few things about me that most people don't know. Some things a few people know, some one person knows, one no on knows. It's not an accident that these things fall into these categories. I put them there. These things are not "your shoes are ugly" type things. But even B doesn't know most of them, and I'm torn between whether or not that's okay.

It's not his fault--they are not things that would "come up" in conversation, no matter what the conversation was about. On one hand, I feel like these are my things and that they don't involve him and there is no reason he ever needs to know about them. On the other hand, I feel a little like "what's mine is yours" and that they do actually belong to him and that he should know them. And then I'm torn between the good that would come of it, like maybe him making sense of some of the things I do for what (now) seems like no reason, and the bad that would come of it, like B not knowing if he can/should say or do something that he would have previously said or done without a second thought because I promise that would happen. Sometimes I wish he just knew them magically, without me having to tell him. But then I start to think then I wouldn't really know how he really felt about it because that initial reaction is a true reaction, everything after it could be fake. But I almost feel like I'm protecting him in a way, too. That's stupid, I know. My brain is ob. nox. ious.

Does your husband/boyfriend/fiance etc. know everything about you?

I don't know.

See? Blah.

2 comments:

Jacki said...

You only have to tell if you want him to know, everyone has secrets at times. I am one who tells my husband everything. I have tried to keep some stuff to myself, but it never works that way I always have to tell him because if I don't it will eat at me until I do. You telling him your secrets is something only you can decide to do or not to do.

Lisa said...

I think over the years a lot of random thing will come up and you'll continue to learn new little things about each other. Random stories from the past and such. There are still some things my husband doesn't know. I have no desire I talk about them and there is not reason to bring them up. They are nothing big or bad--nothing that would affect 'us' so I let those lie where they are. Maybe over the years they just come up or maybe not. We are still all our own person and have our own little secrets.