I should probably start this entry by saying if none of you read this, that's perfectly fine. It's more of a me laying things out for myself post. But, if you want to and maybe offer some advice, then I'd be eternally grateful ;]
B has decided in his own mind that we are getting married. This wasn't really a secret, and to be honest I had thought this from the beginning. But, it's a lot different when you are the one thinking about it and what he is thinking is a mystery, I've decided. Because earlier this week when B and I were sitting on the sofa every sentence coming out of his mouth involved a shifting of words: if was suddenly when, me was suddenly we, and I became us. We haven't really talked about this other than a few words, because I'm really not sure how I feel about this.
I thought this was what I wanted. I thought that it was fine, that I saw myself with him and in the military for 20 years and it was perfectly fine. But, this small change in words threw me for a ride...to say the least. B and I graduated high school together, went to college at the same time, and had planned on graduating at the same time. However, I transferred colleges and lost a good year in the transfer (and even that is pushing it). He'll graduate next year and will be stationed in the summer, but I'll still have a year of school left. If I transfer then, I will lose at least another year...if not, two. He said he could see if he could be stationed at the base about an hour and a half from here, and then we could do both, but I know he wants to be in NC and doesn't want to be stuck here for four years for my one year of school. Another thought is that I could stay here and go to school for that year, and we could switch weekends driving back and forth and I'd be with him on breaks and such--we'll be apart longer when he's deployed anyway, it would be almost like a test. But then the other question is...do we get married before he's stationed or after? Because if we wait until after, then we run the risk of him being deployed and us being stationed away from our families etc. etc. on whatever date we choose. But, if we do it before, and we opt to do the me here, him there thing...then we are going to spent our first year of marriage apart and that's...odd. Ahh! What do you think?
And I guess the bigger question to ask before any of that is even considered, is is this what I want? I have a massive amount of family here. All I've ever done is been around family. We all live on the same street, we have monthly family meals at my grandmothers, my uncles fix everything that ever happens to anyone's vehicle, we work. I've always been the kind of person who enjoys finding one place she loves and staying there forever. I mean, I knew this going in, but I thought I was okay with not having that--maybe I'm not. How am I going to handle moving around the world every four years and being away from everything I've ever known? Am I going to be miserable? Or will it work? Plus, I'm only 21 years old. I always thought I'd be older when this happened, if it even happened. I always saw kids in my future, but getting married was a different story...I was never positive that would ever happen, especially to a military man. I've never really been the kind to take a backseat to any man (woo, girl power! ha). Am I ready for this at 21? I'm really not sure if I'm ready to give up the 'me' years. I just got them back, because for 5 years I was mom to my nephew, and I didn't even start the 'me' years until about two years ago.
It's all weird and up in the air. I love him to death, I do, but I feel like every decision that is going to run the rest of my life has to be made right now. Do or die. And I'm not sure which one I should do.