The Shortest Bachelor Relationship in History

Monday nights are my nights out. I know this sounds stupid, because it's not as if I couldn't go out on other nights--I have nothing really holding me in. But on Mondays we have Girls Night Out with the most random group of girls you'd ever meet (and you would question our friendship within minutes of doing so). But, because I'm so addictive to the Bachelor this season for reasons I have yet to uncover, I decided to stay in and watch the finale tonight. The recap:

Tonight the girls met with Jason's family, and his son--Ty.



Melissa is first, and immediately clicks with Ty. So much that when Ty wakes up from his nap, he immediately asks where Melissa is. And Melissa is great with Jason's parents and brothers, who are skeptical of her only because Jason hadn't met her parents (this whole situation makes me wonder if the producers discriminated against actual orphans when doing their casting...get over it already). But, she quickly wins Jason's dad over and they all think she's the one.

When Molly's turn comes up, Ty dislikes her...basically...until she manages to throw a frisbee properly. But, by the time they make whats possibly the worst attempt at kite flying ever known to man, Ty is giggling. And she does well with Jason's family, and they all say "there's a sparkle in your eye with her!"

We also find out that Jason is apparently the only one in his family capable of tanning.

Second Dates.

Melissa and Jason go on a sightseeing sailtour, which fails miserably and they just end up soaking wet before they decide to jump off the boat into the freezing cold water. Yet, they still have a great time doing it, even though they are both secretly thinking "Geeze, now I have to shave again."

With Molly, we never actually know what Jason had planned. But, she makes her own plan anyway "because it's rainy"...which turns out to be terribly convenient since she had two massage tables and oils set up perfectly at "her place" that would have just gone to waste had it been a beautiful sunny day. We get another one of those steamy moments where we aren't really sure if we should send the kids out of the room or not as Molly straddles Jason's back and rubs oil all over him slowly, and then commands that he turn around so she can straddle his front.

And then we question how Molly really got her job as a department store buyer.

The Return of DeAnna.



DeAnna, the one who left him without a rose to pursue her failed relationship with Jesse, comes to visit. In this visit, she proclaims, "If I had listened to my head and my heart I would have chosen you." And America wonders "...then what is it that you listened to?" And she basically tells him to pick Melissa, and then leaves. End season long drama build up.

The Rose Ceremony.

Molly is first up.

She's very confident, "It will be great when he proposes to me." Jason, however, tells her he has to let her go, and offers zero explanation for the decision, and Molly just keeps saying "You've made the wrong decision."

And then there's Melissa.

Jason calls her up and immediately tells her that he's in love with her and she does this cute little squealy thing and jumps into his arms and it's all very charming. He gets down on one knee and asks her to marry him, and as she is about to bust she says, "Can you just give me one second?" and then turns around and does another little squealy thing (the cone of silence was still not perfected by the release of this episode, apparently). Then as Ty comes and joins them, they all take a very cute little clothed swim in the gorgeous pool associated with Jason's 9283928498520 square foot rental.

The End!!
...or is it?
No, it is not.

The Bachelor: After the Final Rose comes on.

Here, we find out that Jason's words to Molly were actually, "You're awesome, and I lo--loaned your ring to Melissa for a few weeks."

First Jason comes on alone, and explains how he can't stop thinking about Molly and how Melissa and Jason's relationship has not been the same, even though they had spent all the holidays together and gone on a few trips together since the show ended. Which is great, since it's been an entire six weeks.

So they bring out Melissa.

Jason starts this conversation out with how they had talked about the relationship changes, and Melissa avoids eye contact and throws out a record number of "umhmm"s to keep from ripping Jason's head off. And Jason finally gets to the "It's not you, it's me." portion of the speech and Melissa mumbles, "you're such a bastard" so perfectly (and no, I'm not embellishing on that, she actually said that...and it was awesome).

She hand him back the ring and the host "excuses" himself to let them say goodbye...while the cameras still roll and all of America watches, and so does he from backstage. Melissa says, "Don't call me. Don't text me. Just leave me alone." and leaves.

And then we see Jason cry for the...fourth? fifth? time in a span of three hours. (At which point my mother says, "Why does he look like such a dork?")

And then it's time for Molly.
Molly is still a little peeved that Jason didn't pick her, but "still has the feelings from the time I left to today." Which is so very convenient for her, as Jason immediately comes out after that and asks her to go for coffee. She has a lot of questions to ask first, and after she asks nothing, she calmly massages Jason's leg and leaves in his arms.


I smell yet another failure under ABCs file for love. Nice try, though! I was at least mildly entertained. ;]

And if you are in need of a good laugh, I found this video on accident. It's about 7 minutes long, but hilarious: